


Be Still My Beating Heart

by Jazz_2_chess



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Demisexual Castiel (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Build, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Virgin Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-05 23:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17928326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazz_2_chess/pseuds/Jazz_2_chess
Summary: Of Halloween-Partys, meddling friends and obnoxious brothers as well as two oblivious idiots in love.





	1. If you want me...

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will be posted next week, so stay tuned and enjoy.

Castiel walked swiftly towards the large entrance doors, a map under his arm and a large cup of espresso clutched tightly in his hand.

On the way inside he was nearly run over by two guys in sports clothing that were throwing a ball across the hallway. He avoided getting hit on the head by ducking into an alcove. He rolled his eyes to himself, already annoyed beyond comparison by the simple loudness of his surroundings.

An obnoxious voice behind him yelling his name made him turn around and face that obstacle he had to call brother.

“Cassie! Lookie here!” Gabriel proceeded to unload at least three arms full of candy in Cas’ hands. Were it anyone else, Castiel would have been shocked about the sheer mass of sweets Gabriel carried with him, but since he knew his brother like the pockets of his coat, he only raised a slightly impressed eyebrow.

“You found your room already?” Gabriel was at least five feet ahead of Castiel already until the latter finally started to walk after him. He shook his head a silent no and looked at the map in confusion.

“There seems to be no clear instructions as to where my dorm is located so I had trouble finding it.” Castiel answered and was met with an eyeroll that rivalled his own.

“Come now, Cassie– you can’t be seriously looking at the map, now? It’s a dorm for fuck’s sake, not the maze of the minotaur!” then, while still balancing at least a hundred different lollipops, he kicked open a door to his left.

“See? Easy as 1,2,3.” he grinned, then shoved Castiel forward into the room which indeed had his assigned number on the door. The room itself was nothing special and made him miss home instantly. Gabriel seemed to gauge his melancholy.

“It’s gonna be great, you just have to settle in. You’ll see, you’ll feel right at home in no time.” His brother said softly.

“Where’s your stuff?” he asked and for the first time today truly looked at his little brother.

“It is still in the car. I-“ a loud bang on the door startled him. He reached out to open it but was instead hit in the face when whoever knocked ran out of patience. The blunt force of the wood smashed into him full force so that he fell backwards and hit the ground hard.

A blond-haired guy walked inside as if the place belonged to him, threw his bag on the bed and turned to close the door when he suddenly realised there were two other people in the room. Castiel glared up at him from the ground while Gabriel held his stomach that shook with laughter. The stare-off lasted about five seconds before a grin spread on the guy’s face and he stretched out his hand to help Castiel up.

“Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to knock you over!” the blond said. Castiel couldn’t help but notice the pleasant sound of his voice.

“I’m Dean, by the way.” he offered his hand again.

“Castiel.”

“Gabriel.”

The brothers had spoken at the same time and were now met with a confused looking Dean.

“’m afraid I didn’t quite catch that, buddy.” Dean said as way of an apology after shaking their hands.

Castiel turned to look at Gabriel but the latter just shrugged and said “Pretty sure he means you, Cassie.” Castiel rolled his eyes– at this point he became truly worried if his eyes would be stuck permanently with the amount of rolling they did in Gabriel’s presence. He repeated his name and watched Dean’s face do something funny.

“Cas-ti-l?” he asked.

“Cast-I-E-l.” he corrected, used to having people botch the pronunciation of his name.

“Castieel. Nice to meet you, buddy.” Dean said, pleased when Castiel nodded his approval.

“So, Dean– what is it that brought you here?” Gabriel chimed in with a flippant hand gesture– ever the dramatic one.

“Wanted to check in my room before hitting the field.” he shrugged then went over to rummage through his bag and dug out a pair of shorts that looked to be on the small side. It took Castiel a moment but when it hit him, he did a double take.

“ _Your_ room?” he repeated, then grabbed his map in a hurry to check the number.

“Yeah, why?” Dean asked, seemingly still unbothered by the two strangers in his room.

“Because this is supposed to be _my_ room.” Castiel answered while Gabriel marched towards the door.

“Nope, Dean-o. Pretty sure you took a wrong turn somewhere.”

“But this is 9-1-3?” he asked, then scanned his own assignment-sheet.

“No, this is 9-3-1.” Castiel said, holding up his sheet to show he was indeed in the correct room.

“Ah shoot! Sorry guys, got the numbers mixed up!” he grabbed his stuff and was out of of the door in a matter of seconds.

“See ya’ around!” he waved while walking down the corridor. When Castiel turned towards Gabriel, he saw a shit-eating grin on his brother’s face that didn’t suggest anything good.

“What is it?”

“Nothing, Cassie– nothing at all.” he stated then went on to find his own room as well.

Finally, Castiel was alone in his room and revelled in the silence both men had left behind.

 

* * *

 

 

Classes started early and Castiel chose the last row to sit in, his back to the door and every other student in front of him, with their heads on their desks and probably asleep. He followed the lecture with great interest, taking notes and concentrating on the provided materials.

When he got back to his room, he ordered his notes to fit them into a complicated system he organised everything in. He had a separate folder for literature, linguistics and history to keep himself from mixing up materials. Castiel had always preferred order over chaos, completely contrary to Gabriel’s mess of papers.

He was appalled when he entered Gabriel’s room to find his brother buried under a stash of files, nibbling on a chocolate bar and reading a paper with his feet in the air and his head hanging from the bed.

“Cassie!” he exclaimed so loudly that Castiel winced.

“How’s it hanging?” Castiel didn’t deem this worth an answer but launched into a monologue about unhealthy eating habits and sugar intake. As usual, his efforts were rebuffed.

“What brings you here at this ungodly hour?” Gabriel asked and Castiel barely contained a sarcastic remark– _it was almost lunch_. Instead, he told him about their father calling to let them know they would need to spend Christmas in the dorms too since their parents would be on the Fijis. A flicker of hurt crossed his brother’s features but it was quickly replaced by the usual mask of mischief.

“Great. Then there’s no one there to stop me from eating all the gingerbread. Imagine it Cassie– it’s gonna be Eden on earth.” Castiel nodded along, not in the mood to discourage his brother’s antics when they were so obviously a coping mechanism. When he left the room, he bumped into something and nearly fell over before a hand on his arm pulled him upright again.

It was becoming a pattern rather quickly, this falling down business.

“Easy there.” a familiar voice said with a chuckle. Castiel felt his cheeks warm and couldn’t decipher why his body would react that way.

“Everything alright?” Dean asked, a smile on his face and a heavy looking bag in his hands.

“Yes, thank you. I did not mean to run into you, I am very sorry.” he rushed to say. Dean just laughed and shrugged it off.

“Don’t worry, man. Not your fault.” Castiel wanting to step aside to walk around Dean but was stopped before he could even take that step.

“So, how’re ya’ doin’ buddy?” Dean asked, then scratched the back of his neck.

“I feel thoroughly content at the moment, thank you.” Castiel answered. He wasn’t prone to small-talk and didn’t like to interact with strangers.

“Uh, ‘kay. I- I mean- that’s cool I guess.” Dean said, then bumped his elbow into Castiel’s shoulder. He had never understood why people did that sort of thing but didn’t want to point it out to Dean.

“You headin’ to your dorm?” "

When Castiel nodded affirmation Dean continued “Cool, you mind if I walk with ya’?” Gabriel’s room was in another building than Dean’s and Castiel’s, so they walked side by side.

“So, what’re you studying?” Dean asked and waited patiently until Castiel had finished explaining why he had chosen English as his subject.

“That’s nice I guess. I’m into mechanics.” Dean said and Castiel watched a genuine smile spread on his face when he mentioned working on his own car– a ’67 Chevy Impala.

“She’s my Baby, you know? Got her from Dad when he…” Castiel noticed the slight change in Dean’s facial expressions when he trailed off.

“Anyway… I kinda’ took care of her and now she’s good as new.” The grin was back but not in its full intensity. Castiel made a mental note not to mention Dean’s father. He didn’t like the way Dean’s face had fallen when he had talked about him.

“So, now I’m into old cars and learning how to fix ‘em so that I can fix Baby when she needs something.” Castiel hadn’t even realised they had arrived at his door when Dean stopped.

“Nice talkin’ to you, Castiel.” he said then smiled and walked away without Castiel having time to process everything that had just happened.

 

* * *

 

 

Days went by without a disruption of the carefully built routine Castiel had established for himself. Then, he walked into the coffee shop on Campus, already late, since he had overslept for the first time in a very long time, and ordered a large Americano.

On the way out, he caught sight of a back that looked familiar to him until he realised it was Dean’s leather jacket. Before he could wave, he also realised that he had company. A girl with brunette hair had her arms around Dean’s neck and was kissing him passionately. Castiel’s face flared hot and he immediately turned around to give them privacy, even though they were in plain sight of everyone who chose to walk by. He hurried away, his coffee burning a hole in his hand and didn’t look back.

It became a pattern. Whenever Castiel crossed the Campus, Dean seemed to be wrapped up in the arms of a girl. What was interesting to Castiel was that it never was the same girl twice. He couldn’t help but wonder why that was.

In the meantime, he had stumbled upon the blondon his own twice in a row which had resulted into leisurely strolls across the yard towards their dorms. Castiel found, he tended to enjoy Dean’s company which was a miracle on its own since usually he preferred solitude. He offered some information about his own person to Dean as well and couldn’t suppress the warm feeling in his stomach when Dean listened eagerly to every word he was saying.

Then, the day came when Castiel opened his door to another set of frantic knocking followed by a distressed call of his name. He scrambled up from the bed and ripped the door open only to have Dean fall against his chest and knock him over.

A small “uff” sound made it past his lips when Dean came to lie on top of him with all his weight.

“Close the door! Fuck– Cas, move! Come on, come on…” Castiel had barely time to raise an eyebrow at the shortening of his name when a female voice shrieked into his left ear.

“Dean Winchester! You fucking asshole!” A girl stormed in then, with a whirlwind of blonde hair and blue eyes that squinted dangerously at the man in question.

“Listen, I-“

“Shut up!” the girl spat, then made as if to grab Dean by the hand. Something happened then, that had Castiel shoot up to his feet and step in between them in the span of a milisecond: Dean flinched. And it wasn’t out of calculation to prevent being dragged from the room but a reflex, a full-body-flinch. Castiel easily covered Dean’s body, facing the girl.

“While I can see you are upset, I would very much like for you to step out of my room and cool down.” Castiel said, adding a firmness to his voice that rang with authority.

“Oh fuck off, you stupid weirdo!” She snarled and moved as if to push him out of the way.

Without raising his voice, he said “Step outside.” 

When she still didn’t comply, he stepped closer, an inch away from her and used all his height to tower over her. 

 _“Now!”_ He snarled.

For a moment, it looked as if she was considering to stay but ultimately huffed and spat “You’re not worth the trouble anyway! Good luck finding someone to put up with all your bullshit again, you worthless piece of shit!”

She slammed the door forcefully behind her. Her words hovered in the air between them like fog. Castiel couldn’t imagine anything that Dean had done would warrant such a choice of words. When Castiel turned around to face Dean he found a pair of concerningly large green eyes stare at him.

“Dean? Dean is everything alright?” he didn’t dare step closer, all too aware of Dean’s reaction mere moments before. Dean seemed to shake something off then laughed but it sounded forced to Castiel’s ears.

“Chicks, man!” he huffed and let himself fall down on Castiel’s bed.

“What did you do to upset her that much?” Castiel asked, then sat down beside him when Dean scooted to the side to make room for him. He was truly interested at this point as to what could have led to that outburst.

“Just– you know… I didn’t wanna date her. I mean she’s nice an’ all but I don’t– I mean, why can’t we just have fun together? Like without strings and shit?” he looked at Castiel as if he had the answer. Castiel, however, did not know the answer to that question.

“How ‘bout you, buddy? You more the relationship guy?” Castiel felt the heat rush to his face and turned away to hide the blush.

“What? Cas– don’t tell me, you’re the hit it quit it kinda guy…” Castiel shook his head.

“Yeah, didn’t peg you for that either. So, what is it? Chicks not your cup of tea? You into guys? That it?” Now the blush spread to his ears and down his chest.

“Come on, Cas. You can tell me. I’m not judging you.” Dean coerced gently.

“I did not– I have never…” but it was too mortifying to say it out loud.

“Never…?” Dean stared at him. “Never what? Never had a one-night-stand?”

Castiel shook his head, didn’t dare look at Dean when he admitted “Never had intercourse.”

The expression on Dean’s face would have been hilarious if it hadn’t been at Castiel’s expense.

Castiel was ready to stand up just to be stopped by the whispered “Why?” beside him.

Even though he didn’t make a habit out of telling people his reasons– after being laughed at and made fun of in the past– something about Dean’s body language told him he was sincerely curious.

“I never felt attracted enough to anyone to try.” he admitted and prepared for a joke that never came.

“I get that– well not like get it ‘cause I’m me, you know? But I get it– you…” Castiel felt a smile at the corners of his lips when he saw Dean blush.

“Thank you, Dean.” he said and was rewarded with a full-blown grin.

“No problem, man.” Then something stirred in his mind that he had had no time to pay attention to before.

“Why did you call me Cas?” he asked and watched Dean’s smile grow even wider.

“’Cause Castiel ‘s just too damn long. Cas fits you, you know? It’s- it’s a nickname.”

Castiel didn’t know how to feel about it but when Dean rushed on to say “I can stop if you want. I didn’t mean to insult you or something.”

He found, he liked Dean choosing a nickname for him. It was almost as if they were on their way to becoming friends.

 

* * *

 

 

“Cas, meet Sammy.” Dean yelled across the Campus to where Castiel was balancing his books and a coffee while talking to Gabriel. He almost got a crick in his neck when he looked up– and up– and up. Sammy– whose name turned out to be another oneof Dean’s nicknames– was one tall human being.

Castiel found himself immediately fond of the man when he grinned down at Castiel with the kindest smile Castiel had ever seen. His eyes seemed to sparkle and for a man of his height, he wasn’t the least bit intimidating.

“Hi, nice to meet ya’. I’m Sam, Dean’s brother.” Sam greeted them, while stressing that his name was _Sam_ not Sammy.

“Now what do we have here? Dean-o, I am severely hurt. How come you never told me you had such a handsome brother.” Gabriel winked at the younger Winchester, who blushed scarlet in return.

“Back off, Gabe.” Dean shot back without any heat to it.

“It is nice to meet you too, Sam.” Castiel said and saw a smile erupt on Sam’s face.

“So, you’re Cas? Dean’s been talking a lot about you.”

“Shut it, Samantha.” Dean barked but still smiled at the three of them.

“Are you studying here as well, Sam?” Castiel wanted to know.

“No, not yet but uh-“ he trailed off and looked at Dean in a way that let Castiel know he was embarrassed.

“Sammy’s gonna go here next year.” Dean said with certainty and Castiel couldn’t help but feel curious at the glances exchanged by the brothers.

“Awwkwaaard!” Gabriel sing-songed.

“How ‘bout we hit the road kiddo?” Castiel nodded and they said their goodbyes.

“It was really good to finally meet ya’, Cas!” Sam yelled before they disappeared behind the next corner.

 

* * *

 

 

It evolved from there. Their group would go out to have dinner– preferably burgers, even though Sam disapproved of them a lot– and after a month they had gathered people up on the way.

Garth ran into them at the coffee shop and managed to spill not only his latté all over Castiel’s shirt but also somehow made Dean topple over and run into a table to plant face first into his pie. Gabriel wouldn’t stop laughing for a week and welcomed Garth with open arms.

Meg sat in Castiel’s lecture and got his attention by calling out the professor because he displayed favouritism towards the male students. Dean often clashed with her sense of humour but the others found her hilarious– even though Castiel suspected her riling up Dean to everyone’s amusement played a part in that too.

Balthazar brought Dean home from the bar when he couldn’t walk on his own and proceeded to watch over him when he blacked out drunk on the bed– but not without taking a picture and sending it from Dean’s phone to everyone in their group. Gabriel and Meg made it their life-mission to tease Dean with his pillow-scrunched face for the rest of eternity.

Castiel was slightly overwhelmed when he found his room occupied by multiple people at a time but adapted when time moved on.

 

* * *

 

Dean brought him coffee but only once a day to keep his caffeine on a healthy level. They went for rides in the Impala, to a burger restaurant which had Castiel addicted to it after the first bite, to a lake Dean had discovered when driving around after a fight with his Dad, to a park where he had spent time with Sam when they had been kids.

Castiel on the other hand, had showed Dean his collection of bee books and had explained to him why they were his favourite animals.

But as time progressed, Castiel found himself staring at Dean for longer, admiring his physique and the aesthetic that was his face. The summer-freckles had disappeared more and more when fall had come. Now, Dean’s eyes were of a deeper green, his hair a shade darker and Castiel found he liked it just as much.

When they sat around in their group and Gabe made a joke about Sam’s hair while wrapping a lock around his finger, Dean burst into laughter.

Castiel had never witnessed something this beautiful. Dean laughed with his whole body, his head thrown back and his shoulders shaking. He promised himself to do anything in his power to make Dean laugh like that more often.

 

* * *

 

The call came on a Monday. Castiel accompanied Dean to his class like he used to for the last weeks, when Dean’s mobile phone rang. Dean took one look at the display and went remarkably white.

“Cas- I- gimme a minute?” Castiel stepped aside and waited until Dean came back to him.

“Is everything alright?” Dean shook his head then grabbed his hand.

“Can we sit down for a sec?” They stared at nothing for a good five minutes but Castiel didn’t mind.

“My Dad- he says he’ll come home for Christmas.” Dean croaked out. From everything he knew, Castiel gathered this was not a good thing.

“Sammy‘ll be home too. I didn’t- I can’t…” Dean buried his face in his hands.

His voice was muffled when he said “they can’t be in the same room. Dad’ll say something stupid and then they’ll fight and I don’t want- I don’t want him there, Cas.” Castiel didn’t know how to show his sympathy so he did what Dean always did when he was upset: he placed his arms around him to pull him into a hug. Dean stiffened at the contact but relaxed when Castiel whispered encouraging words into his hair.

“I will be here for Christmas. If you want to stay you can celebrate with me, you are very much invited. Sam can come as well.” He offered, even though he knew it was not real solution to the conflict.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean huffed, a tremble apparent in his voice.

They were late for their lectures but for once, Castiel didn't care. 

 

* * *

 

 

A flu hit the Campus mid-October which resulted in a very sick Castiel. To all of their surprise– apart from Sam since he had been on the receiving end of Dean’s mothering tendencies for years now– Dean tutted over everything in correlation to Castiel’s sickness. He cooked him soup, made him tea and watched over him when he fell asleep. Castiel had never felt more cared for in his life. For a week, Dean moved into his room and made sure he stayed in bed and didn’t overexcite himself.

Gabriel stopped by and was immediately kicked out when he couldn’t stop laughing at Castiel wrapped in a blanket like a burrito with a mug in hand and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. It didn’t help that the blanket was covered in bees.

Dean had smiled at Castiel when he had brought the item in after a day on Campus.

“Got somethin’ for you, buddy. Thought you might like it” he had announced. Castiel had looked at him through heavy eyes and had shuffled towards him to grab the package. When he had opened it and had seen the bees his face had broken out in a huge grin. He had wanted to hug Dean but had refrained for obvious reasons.

It would do no one any good if Dean got sick too.

 Castiel woke up to something warm pressed against his back. Something warm and soft. He turned around to find Dean plastered against him and breathing into his ear. His fever seemed to have gone down over night and he felt better than ever.

Still, Dean in his bed was an unusual occurrence and he didn’t know what the appropriate reaction was. Dean stirred slightly then pressed himself closer. Castiel felt his face flush when Dean gripped his shoulder and held him tightly.

“Dean.” he whispered.

“Hmmm shhh…” was the only answer he got. He decided then that he didn’t want to wake his friend and instead chose to snuggle against his chest.

Sleep had never come faster.

When Dean brought him a burger in the afternoon, Castiel stared at him with wide eyes. Neither one of them had mentioned sharing the bed and he had a feeling that Dean likely didn’t want to.

“That is delicious, Dean. Thank you.” he smiled around a bite of meat.

“Welcome, angel.” Dean answered and smiled at him with that genuine smile of his that made Castiel feel funny inside. He had discovered that he enjoyed it greatly when Dean smiled at him like that. Seconds ticked by and neither of them moved, they just stared at each other, immersed in each other’s eyes.

“Cas- I…” A knock on the door made Dean jump up so fast he nearly flipped the table over.

“Guys, guys I just found out there’s this huge party at Halloween and- did I interrupt something?” Sam had barged into the room– it being a Saturday and all– and was now looking at them sheepishly.

“No, Sammy, Cas was just– we were just eating.” Castiel felt slightly disappointed but couldn’t really fathom why.

For some reason, he thought Dean had acted as if he had wanted to say something important.

 

* * *

 

 

Halloween was there before any of them had time to prepare.

“Cassie. Come out, come out wherever you are!” Gabriel yelled through the empty room.

“Bet’cha he’s hiding in the closet.” Balthazar’s voice came closer to his hiding place. He actually was in the closet. But– in his defence– he really, really did not want to participate in the Halloween-festivities. Promises be damned.

“Clarence!” Meg called out, as if it would make any difference which of them yelled for him. Sadly, he had to admit that was indeed the case when after a few minutes, a fourth voice replaced the other ones.

“Cas?” He rolled his eyes. Of course, they would convince Dean to get him.

Who else would it have been?

“Cas, come on. They’re gone, it’s just me– I promise.” Castiel couldn’t resist and cursed himself for his inability.

“Ah there you are, angel.” Dean said after Castiel had opened the closet door with his foot and was now helped out of the pile of clothes he was hiding under. Castiel didn’t even bat an eye at the nickname. It had become their thing, that Dean would find another term every other day. Angel was just another one in a long, long row of names. For some reason, this one didn’t feel stupid to him like Huggy Bear had.

“You wanna stay in and watch a movie? We could do a marathon?” As tempting as that was, he had promised his brother and he knew Gabriel wouldn’t let this go easily.

“No? Wanna get dressed then?” Dean asked with a head-tilt in his direction. Castiel felt ridiculous in his Henley and the fangs but Dean’s facial expression was worth it when he stepped out of the bathroom. Dean's eyes were glued to his bottoms in a way that made Castiel feel hot all over. 

“Those are some tight jeans…” Dean murmured, then made it a point to stare everywhere but Castiel’s pants.

“I look hideous.” Castiel complained around the fangs. He felt the pointy end stick into his lip and quickly moved his mouth into a different position.

“No, no you look good- you really do.” Dean assured him.

“Come on, let’s go.” they left his room, Demon and Vampire side by side.

 

* * *

 

 

The music was too loud. The alcohol was cheap and Castiel cursed himself for agreeing to this. He had been forced to participate in not one but two games of Beer Pong and had lost spectacularly which meant his alcohol intake had been dangerously high.

Someone– he supposed it was Gabriel– pushed him to sit down on the floor in a circle with some other people.

Meg and Balthazar greeted him with twin-shouts of “Heeeey!” both of them sounding more intoxicated than him.

“Truth or Dare, guys.” Gabriel announced and picked Balthazar to go first.

After some unsanitary dares– Dean drinking absinthe straight from a girl’s navel–

revealing truths– Meg and Balthazar hitting it off–

and embarrassing questions– Gabriel: “you ever kiss a boy, Samsquatch?”–

it was Castiel’s turn to choose. He picked truth.

“Clarence: Do you have a crush on someone?” Meg immediately asked. Castiel felt his breath stutter. He looked at his brother, saw the glint of calculation in his eyes.

“Yeah Cassie, do you?” Balthazar leaned forward eagerly. He didn’t know what to do, felt trapped until a hand on his shoulder startled him.

“Cas, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Sam said consolingly.

“Noooo…” Meg whined, Gabriel still stared in that weird way of his until Sam sat beside down beside him and whispered something into his ear that made him back down. He looked around helplessly until his eyes found Dean.

“I’ll take the dare if he doesn’t wanna answer.” Dean exclaimed loudly, the room erupting in cheers and complaints, each equally loud.

“Alright guys, settle down.”

Gabriel yelled “My game, my rules. Dean-o gets the dare but only this once Cassie. No more favouritism for you, baby bro.”

Castiel noticed the pleased look on Sam’s face with interest.

“So, what’s the dare?” Someone screamed.

“Uh you’re gonna be in so much trouble, Winchester!” Benny, an older student joked.

“I’ve got one! I’ve got one,” Balthazar jumped up and down in his seat, a dangerous glow in his eyes.

“Let’s hear it!” “Kiss Castiel.” Balthazar said. Suddenly, it was dead silent. Castiel didn’t dare look at Dean but couldn’t help it when he felt a soft puff of breath on his lips. Without realising when it had happened, Dean had scooted closer to Castiel and was now hovering inches away.

“You okay with that, angel? I can back out if you want me to.” Dean whispered but Castiel had already decided. Without second thought, he grabbed Dean by the hem of his shirt and leaned in for the kiss. Loud cheers droned out his heavily beating heart and made his ears go numb. Hands cradled his cheeks and pulled him closer. He had half a mind to stop because the fangs in his mouth were hard to control but he simply couldn’t find it in him to care. Dean even scratched his lip on one of the fangs but didn’t pull away. Instead, he made a sound that had Castiel gasp. It had sounded so erotic, so much like Dean that it made his bones tremble.

“Come on, guys. Get a room!” Garth interjected to the disappointment of not only Castiel and Dean but the whole room.

They moved away from each other sheepishly, both red in the face and out of breath.

Castiel excused himself rather quickly after that and left. In the hallway, he took a moment to breathe. For the first time, he felt like he had no control over his body and it scared him to no ends. He didn’t understand what was going on, why he had such a strong reaction to having Dean’s lips on him. Every other kiss he had had– and he had had his fair share of kisses before– had led to nothing. He had never gotten behind the reason why people liked to kiss and proceed to other things but tonight after feeling Dean against him things had changed.

“Cassie– you okay?” Gabriel had seemingly abandoned the younger Winchester he had been so fascinated with and stood now across from him in the hallway.

“Yes- I…” but Castiel couldn’t word his thoughts which was a rather rare occurrence.

He tried again “I am not sure what to do, Gabriel.” he felt so helpless.

“About what? Could it be your kiss with Deanie-weanie in there? Because, boy did that look-“

“Please brother, I need your help.” Castiel interrupted.

“Alright, alright, don’t get your panties in a twist. What’s the problem?”

Castiel took a deep breath “When Dean kissed me, my body reacted to it- I- it felt good. And you know I never- that does not happen to me. I never thought it would happen and now I-“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa okaaaay easy there,” Gabriel stopped the flow of words then said “So you wanna- I mean does he- fuck– okay listen: do you feel aroused when he kisses you?”

Before Castiel could answer, Gabriel pointed a finger at him and demanded “And don’t you dare make me say that sentence ever again. Seriously I’m probably scarred for life!”

He shook his arms in an imitation of shivering.

“I am not sure. I-“

“Hey Cas, can I talk to you for a minute?” Dean suddenly materialised behind Gabriel who couldn’t suppress the snort.

“Yeah, you do that Dean-o. Cassie, think about what your body tells you.” and with that embarrassing statement, he was gone.

“Think about what your body tells you?” Dean grinned at him briefly, then became serious again.

“Listen, I know you probably didn’t want me to- you know…” he gestured to the general vicinity of Castiel’s face “and I just wanna say, I’m sorry Cas– I shouldn’t have…”

“Dean, stop. I- you have nothing to be sorry for. I- I enjoyed the kiss.” Castiel admitted, eyes on the ground.

“Y-you did? Like for real?” Dean sounded incredulous.

“Yes- I-“ but he didn’t get to finish the sentence because Dean was suddenly plastered against him. He felt his back hit the wall and grabbed for Dean’s shoulders to steady himself. Dean kissed with the desperation of a drowning man. Castiel matched him in strength, found that their bodies fit together so perfectly. Dean’s fingers wandered from his cheeks to his neck and down his arms.

It felt good.

It really did but he didn’t know how to process so much stimulation at the same time. For years, he had never felt like that and now that he did, he wasn’t sure he could handle it. Dean must have sensed it because he immediately stopped kissing him.

“’m sorry Cas. Got a little carried away.” Castiel was thankful for the break and curious about these new sensations.

“It seems my brother was right. I should listen to my body.” he grinned at Dean who threw his head back and laughed with his whole body in they way, Castiel liked so much.

“So, you’re okay with this?” Castiel nodded “Good, that’s good. I- I mean I wanted to ask- but then the kiss happened and I-“ Dean scratched the back of his neck again.

 _“Doyouwanttodateme?”_ he hurried to say and Castiel had a hard time figuring out what had just come out of his mouth. When he finally did, a strange feeling instead of the anticipated relieved one, made his stomach tight. He had observed Dean kissing girls after girls and running from every kind of serious relationship ever since he’d known the guy.

It wasn’t fair but he couldn’t help but ask “Are you sure this is what you want, Dean?” he sounded small and saw the hurt it caused Dean to be questioned like that. But he had to, for his own emotional safety, for his own heart.

Dean hesitated for just a moment but then he smiled and said “Yes. Yes, Cas- I’m sure.”

“Do you promise? Do you promise you mean it?” Castiel had to reassure himself. He had to know this was not just a game, that he would not wake up in the morning to an empty bed and a ruined friendship. Dean looked slightly taken aback, just a tad bit unsure.

But he squared his shoulders and said “I promise you, Cas. I mean it, I’m sure.” Never in his life had Castiel felt that much joy roar through him and he surged forward and kissed Dean with so much force he knocked him right back into the wall.

“Easy there, angel.” Dean chuckled and kissed back softly.

“No need to rush things.” he kept his kisses gentle, his touches soft.

And when they returned to the Campus, they each entered their separate rooms.


	2. If you love me...

 

Castiel woke up at nine to heavy knocking on his door. When he opened, he found himself bombarded with three different sets of questions from Gabriel, Meg and Balthazar. Garth simply smiled at him and took a seat at the table.

“What the fuck happened last night, Cassie?”

“Details! Details!”

“Is he a good kisser?”

“What was it like?”

“Did you two hit it off?”

“Did you have breakfast already?” everyone turned to Garth who just shrugged.

“What? If we are yelling random questions at him I might as well ask if he has eaten.” Castiel felt a warm sensation in his belly at the quiet concern of his friend. He didn’t answer any of the others questions since this was a private matter and he would not encourage his brother to immerse himself into other people’s business.

“Come on! I’m your brother, you need to tell me these things!” Gabriel pleaded with his version of the puppy eyes. Unfortunately for him, they didn’t work as well as he would have liked them to. Even though Castiel couldn’t help but think he had Sam teach him his ways. Something about that expression did look strikingly similar to the younger Winchester.

“Yeah! Come on, Cassie. We need details like asap!” Balthazar nearly bounced in his seat with excitement. And while Meg’s face didn’t show any sign of remote interest, there was a detectable glint in her eyes that had Castiel’s skin erupt in goose bumps. If there was anyone that could make him talk, it was Meg.

“We all saw the kiss, Clarence. There is no need to be coy.” her voice was sweet as caramel.

“Or do you mean to tell us that after that kiss nothing happened? You two just braided each other’s hair in the hallway?” Something about her made Castiel think of the cat and the canary.

“I-“ he didn’t know how much he wanted to reveal at the moment.

“Caaaasssiee!” Gabriel exclaimed in false dramatics when he let himself fall face down on the bed.

“I- we kissed.” Castiel shared with them.

“Yeah, we are aware. Was kinda hard to miss.” Balthazar commented dryly.

“No, afterwards in the hallway- we uh kissed again…” he didn’t need to look in the mirror to know his face was red.

“Seriously though, how was it? Was it good?” Balthazar leaned forward into Meg’s space, batting at her when she tried to shove him away.

“It- was nice.” Castiel answered, uncomfortable with being scrutinised.

“Nice-“ Meg repeated, “It was _nice_?”

“Yes, it was nice.”

“Oh, come on! Is that all? Nice? You kissed Dean freaking Winchester and all we get is it was nice?” Balthazar complained.

“He- uh I liked when he touched me. His lips are very soft.” Castiel offered with a reminiscent smile on his face.

“Oh, gross! Go wash that sappy smile off your face.” Gabriel teased him.

“Aww let him be, Gabe. It’s kinda sweet.” Meg cooed, much to Balthazar’s dismay.

“What? You find him sweet but when I-“

“That’s a whole other story. We were shitfaced drunk, Balth!” Meg interrupted. Gabriel, Garth and Castiel all exchanged amused glances. The world would end with hell freezing over and piglets flying in the sky before those two would get it together. They seemed to have forgotten there were other people in the room. Castiel was sincerely tempted to kick them out when Balthazar started waxing poetry about Meg’s naked body.

“Alrriiigth! That’s quite enough, guys. As much as I am all for having a healthy sex-life, I so do not need to hear about yours!” Gabriel shouted.

“You’re just jealous ‘cause you don’t have one!” Meg retorted.

Gabriel flushed an interesting shade of red, Castiel had never seen on him before and squeaked “None of your business.”

Garth seemed to have had a similar idea because he suddenly spoke up.

“Looks as if there is something you aren’t telling us, Gabriel. Wanna share who you went home with yesterday?”

Gabriel’s eyes bulged out of his head.

“I- what are you talking about? I didn’t go home with anybody!”

“No? Hm, must have been a mistake then. ‘Cause I could have sworn I saw you leave with-“

“Yep! Sure was a mistake! Nothing to be seen here! I went home completely alone, to my dorm, yep all by myself!” Castiel had a hard time stopping the laugh from showing on his face. His brother was such a bad liar. He couldn’t have been more obvious if he had hung a neon-sign above his head and had blurted it out with a megaphone.

Meanwhile, Meg and Balthazar had closed in on his brother and were now circling him like he was prey.

“Uh uh but wasn’t there this guy you really wanted to take home? You know the-“

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Sheesh get a grip on your alcohol intake. Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much. You all are imaging things.”

“But you see, I wasn’t that drunk.” Meg said.

“You made out with Balth! And you’re telling me you weren’t drunk?” Gabriel shot at her.

“Hey!” Balthazar tried to interject.

“Shut up! This isn’t about you. And for your information. I don’t need to be drunk to make out with anyone. Unlike you. Because you didn’t have the guts to do it sober!” Gabriel touched his chest in mock pain.

“You wound me, Masters. Truly.”

“Just admit it, it’s fine.” Meg coerced.

“Fine! Fine! I went home with someone. Yes, it was a great night and I’m over the moon about it! You happy?” Gabriel yelled.

“Yes, very much, thank you!” Meg yelled back.

Castiel briefly wondered how the debate had shifted from his love life to the one of his brother but he would rather go to hell than bring that up.

 

* * *

 

 

When Dean came in around nine, Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. He opened the door to find green eyes sparkling at him.

“Hey there, angel.” Dean said upon entering, a smile tugging at his lips.

“I uh wanted to come by to see how you are…” the admission made his face flush. Castiel felt himself grinning then leaned it to plant a soft kiss on Dean’s lips. For a moment, Dean’s arms tightened around him but then he let go.

He huffed “’Kay, guess that answers my question.” Castiel rose an eyebrow.

“Just, you know, wanted to see if you’ve changed your mind since last night.”

“Why would you think I’d change my mind?” Castiel asked.

“Don’t know, kept thinking that maybe you didn’t want…” Castiel shushed him with a finger when he realised Dean had started to ramble.

“I want to be with you, Dean. You mean so much to me.” The smile on Dean’s lips lit up his entire face, he was beaming.

“Glad we cleared that up.” Dean whispered then leaned in again. The following kiss changed quickly from gentle to heated. Castiel’s skin tingled where Dean’s fingers touched him. A soft noise escaped his mouth when those clever hands skimmed over the waistband of his trousers. he felt his back hit the wall behind him, buried his hands in Dean’s hair and pulled him closer. The answering groan made his knees weak, his breath come fast.

He felt himself harden, heard Dean’s intake of breath when he realised what was happening. Then, before he could decide on how far he wanted this to go, Dean leaned away, with seemingly considerable effort.

“We better stop here, angel. Don’t wanna let this get out of hand.” Castiel’s face burned at the implication. Dean let himself flop down on the bed, looked up to Castiel and said “You drive me crazy, you know?” He had no answer ready to give so instead he sat down beside Dean and took his hand.

“You wanna uh get outta here? Go see a movie or something?” Castiel couldn’t help but feel something was slightly off about Dean this afternoon but knew better than to flat out ask him about it.

“I would enjoy watching a movie with you.” He answered, then let himself be pulled out of the room. On the way to the cinema, Dean kept talking about Baby needing an oil change and him doing it himself because he didn’t trust the mechanics around campus.

Castiel noticed that while Dean usually was an excellent driver, today he nearly ran over a red light and missed two turns. They did reach the cinema in time though, so he chose not to comment not wanting to upset Dean any further than he already seemed to be.

It took him five minutes into the movie to find Dean’s hand in the dark. He leaned against him, his head on Dean’s shoulder and felt Dean relax. Fingers lifted his chin and made him look up as much as he could in the darkness of the room. Soft lips found his own, kissed him hard. Hands wandered under his shirt, touching bare skin and making him shiver.

“You have no idea, ha? How much I need you?” Dean whispered so quietly, Castiel wasn’t sure he even meant to say it out loud. Something inside him snapped at the words. He grabbed Dean’s shirt, pulled him closer and kissed him so hard, he tasted blood. Dean moaned loudly which made Castiel startle for a second, he looked around but no one payed attention to them. Before he could resume kissing Dean, he saw the vein on the right side of his neck pump with excitement.

The world narrowed down to that small pulsating point. He latched onto it, saw Dean steady himself on the armrest and felt him buck against his leg. A low whimper made it past Dean’s lips. He hurriedly pressed them together, flexed his fingers as if to stop them from hauling Castiel into his lap. Castiel licked the exposed skin under his tongue then sank his teeth into it hard enough for Dean to shake in his seat.

“Cas- Cas, angel please! I can’t take- I- you ne-eed to sto-op…” Dean moaned against him, perspiration breaking out on his throat. Leaning back was harder than Castiel thought it would be. He didn’t want to stop.

“Dean-“ he tried to protest when Dean completely untangled himself.

“Cas- I, if you don’t stop then I promise you, I’ll take you right here.” Castiel felt a surge of heat go through him. The temptation burned on his skin but he knew he wasn’t ready, and certainly not in a movie theatre. Their breathing slowly returned to normal but they kept staring at each other, unable to look elsewhere or to concentrate on the movie.

As it turned out, neither of them remembered what it had been about.

 

* * *

 

 

Bar night came when on Friday evening all of their little group got together to drink. Dean, for the first time since Castiel knew him, did not drink one shot after the other but rather nursed a beer. His brother had no such qualms and eagerly swallowed a Tequila shot while licking the chaser from Sam’s neck.

“Tickles, Gabe.” Sam complained then immediately dissolved into giggles.

“Ugh, does he have to lick my brother?” Dean grumbled quietly beside him. He didn’t have an answer to that but found they had no room to judge since Meg had thrown them out of the room when their kissing had turned into a full-blown make-out session. He felt his tongue heavy in his mouth and himself getting tipsier when he downed a shot of vodka.

Dean kept his eyes locked on Castiel, had in fact done so since he had walked in. He seemed glued to his tight blue Henley, fell almost over once Castiel bent over the pool table to take his shot. It had amused Castiel but now the heated glances Dean kept throwing at him made him squirm in his seat, rubbing against Dean’s thigh who in turn gasped and readjusted himself in his jeans. And Dean looked good too. Castiel rarely had seen someone quite this attractive and Dean had pulled all the tricks today.

His jeans were sinfully tight and left next to nothing to Castiel’s imagination. He had never had been this aroused by looking at anyone and now he wished nothing more than for Dean to follow him to his room and strip of every piece of clothing concealing his body.

“Come on, Dean-o. Nothing wrong with a bit ‘a fun!” Gabriel hollered, then proceeded to lick a broad stripe of salt from Sam’s exposed collar bone. The younger Winchester was red in the face, his pupils enlarged and he looked at Gabriel with something in his eyes that felt to Castiel like he was intruding.

“Wanna have some water?” Dean asked lowly into his ear and when Castiel nodded affirmation got up to fetch some for the both of them. He noticed his head spinning slightly, even though he hadn’t had that much to drink.

“You ‘kay there, angel? Wanna go home?” Dean’s arm was there to help him keep balance when he stood up. He nodded and let himself be lead out of the bar, Dean hovering over him protectively. The air was cold on his face and helped him sober up. They made it to Castiel’s room without any problems.

“Can I come in?” Castiel wasn’t sure why Dean would ask that, seeing as they frequented each other’s rooms constantly but moved aside to let him in anyways. The second the door was closed, Dean was on him, kissing him hotly and tugging at his shirt.

“You looked so fucking hot tonight, Cas- can’t believe- nearly blew it there- fuck!” His Henley was ripped apart by Dean’s hands, the sudden skin-to-skin contact making his knees buckle. He made quick work of Dean’s t-shirt, threw it aside then shoved Dean backwards until he hit the bed and fell down on it. Castiel followed, climbed on top of Dean until he was seated on his lap. He felt Dean press against him, hard in his jeans. Dean’s hands found their way to his ass and squeezed, letting a surge of arousal shoot through him. He moved his hips experimentally, pressed down against Dean.

Stars exploded behind his eyes, the friction just on this side of pleasurable. His trousers caught his aching dick on ever downward movement but he didn’t want to stop to remove them, wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for that. Dean moaned lowly, the sound going straight to his cock. He was determined to get Dean to make that noise again, rutted against him harder.

“Cas! Son of a bitch! _Yesss!”_ Dean’s pupils were blown to the point where nothing but black remained. Dean bucked against him, nearly threw him off in the process. He didn’t know why he was so brave all of a sudden.

“I- I want…” he trailed off.

“What do you want, Cas? Tell me- fuck…” Castiel had a hard time concentrating- _pun not intended_.

“I want to make you come.” he rasped out. The following silence was deafening. For a second, fear spiked up but was immediately squashed down when he saw the look on Dean’s face. It was downright dirty, almost predatory.

“Well angel, then let’s get to business.” With that, he flipped them over until Castiel was firmly settled under him. Dean’s weight didn’t suffocate him but felt rather soothing, like a cocoon of warmth. Dean rolled his hips down, their dicks lining up perfectly against each other. Sparks of pleasure made his blood soar.

“Right there with you, angel!” Dean whispered when Castiel moaned at a particular hard thrust. Castiel felt himself shiver violently, his breath coming short. Dean’s arms trembled, his kisses grew uncoordinated.

“Cas- CAS!” Dean nearly yelled himself hoarse. Castiel felt warmth spreading between them, looked at Dean’s completely blissed out face and that was it. His muscles locked tight, he went completely still and then, with a rush, that white hot pleasure snapped like a bowstring.

 _“Dean!”_ he whimpered, grabbed Dean’s arms to pull him close, hold him against his chest, against his cock while he felt tremors of aftershocks resonate through him.

“That was- I don’t even know what that was. Cas- fuck I never-“ Dean struggled to build a sentence and Castiel felt some frankly inappropriate sense of pride at that. Dean took one look at him and immediately tried to smother him with a pillow.

“Wipe that smug grin off your face!”

“Now, why would I do that? It seems to me I have every right to-“

“Yeah, yeah you idiot- just shut up…” Dean chuckled, then planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

“You’re good, right?” Dean asked and Castiel noted the concern tone in his voice.

“Yes.” Dean’s grin lit up the entire room and made Castiel feel incredibly warm inside. They lay in silence for a minute, basking in the afterglow until Dean got up to find his shirt. Something about that didn’t sit right with him.

“Dean? Where are you going?” Dean looked perplexed at the question. Suddenly, Castiel wasn’t so sure this had been a good idea. Maybe Dean still only wanted a hook-up? What if-

“I’m going to my room.” Dean answered, completely unaware of the inner turmoil that was going on inside Castiel’s head.

“Why?” Castiel couldn’t help but ask.

“Because it’s late and I need my four hours?” He seemed genuinely confused.

“I thought you could sleep here for tonight?” It took all he had, to even ask it out loud. Dean very nearly fell over because he jerked away from Castiel so fast.

“I- why would I- you want me to stay over?” Castiel nodded, hurting at the way the idea seemed so absurd to Dean.

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter…” he quickly settled on, looked away to avoid Dean seeing the hurt on his face. It was clear Dean didn’t want to stay with him tonight so he would not pursue the idea any further. That wouldn’t to either of them any good and he didn’t want to coerce Dean into something he didn’t wish to happen. Funny enough, he always thought it would be him who needed guidance, him who wasn’t ready but now it turned out he was wrong. He had always known intimacy didn’t come easy to Dean but he had secretly hoped, since Dean was the one to initiate things, that he was indeed ready. It turned out he had been wrong once again, and frankly- he was becoming rather sick of it. His inner monologue came to a halt when gentle fingers turned his head.

“Cas- I, you know I don’t…”

“You don’t normally stay with a one-night-stand.” Castiel concluded bitterly.

“What? A one-night… where the fuck do you got that from? You’re not- I don’t- Jesus, Cas you thought this was a one-night-stand? We’re dating! Fuck- are we not- do you not think…?” Castiel couldn’t say anything back, didn’t understand where they went so wrong. Because somewhere in this conversation they had both taken a wrong turn. Castiel wasn’t even sure they were anywhere close to being on the same page and it frightened him to no ends.

“Cas- Cas, I- I just- I’m not used to- I don’t date you know? I don’t know how- how this is supposed to go- I thought you’d want- and I never slept over with anyone- you know apart from Sammy and…” But Castiel had already sat up. He put a hand over Dean’s, gripping it tightly.

“Forgive me, it was my mistake.” he whispered, quite aware that it was him that had read the situation wrong. The boiling panic finally subsided.

“You do not have to stay, I completely understand…” that wasn’t entirely true but he had already suspected Dean had some issues that ran deeper than he let on. Now it seemed as if they slowly surfaced.

“No, I can- scoot over I’ll just…” Dean offered but Castiel didn’t move, fully aware that Dean was momentarily working under panic mode and trying to fix everything with no regards to his personal wishes. Dean scratched the skin behind his ear. Castiel could see the fight in his brain, the reflex to run from this kind of intimacy. He also saw the moment, Dean came to the decision. He sat down, pulled the blanket over both of them then wriggled out of his clothes. The damp patch on Castiel’s trousers made itself known rather insistently but he ignored it in favour of holding Dean against him.

“Night, Cas.” Dean whispered, a slight hitch in breath when he said his name.

“Sleep well, Dean.” Castiel murmured back, his breath ghosting against Dean’s skin.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel woke up and his heart did a flip. Dean was still there, he hadn’t left, hadn’t snuck out. Instead, he was cuddled up into Castiel’s side, his face buried in the crook of his neck. He didn’t have the heart to wake him up, he looked so peaceful, younger than usual. It didn’t last long because the minute, he started playing with a lock of Dean’s hair, the door bust open and his brother flung himself bodily into the room.

“Gab-“

“Shshsh Cassie! You won’t believe what happened yesterday! Get up! Get up! Come on, I need to tell-“ he took a good look at Castiel and therefore also at Dean and immediately stopped talking. Castiel could see realisation dawning on his face, followed by genuine joy and then embarrassment at having disrupted them.

“Shit- I- I’ll wait outside. But seriously, wake up your sleeping beauty ‘cause I really need to talk to you!”

“No need for that ass-face. I’m awake!” Dean’s voice grumbled beside him. Castiel took a good look at him and found his grumpiness to be quite adoring.

“Well, isn’t that lovely.” Gabriel smirked then pulled at Castiel’s arm to get him to stand up. Both of their protests went unheard and that was why Castiel found himself fifteen minutes later in the coffee-shop with a large cup of Americano in his hands and a hyperactively babbling brother opposite him.

“See, when you went home things got uh out of hand pretty quickly. Seriously, you have no idea- _no idea_ what happened and I- I’m fucking freaking out!” Castiel needed a minute to comprehend what exactly Gabriel was trying to say but hearing his brother admit that something scared him, was definitely cause for concern. Gabriel usually deflected each and every attempt at a serious conversation when he didn’t want to have it and for him now to be so open meant it was a huge deal and not just exaggeration on Gabriel’s part.

“You know I’m not one for all that romantic crap, right?” Castiel nodded affirmation.

“So… what if I told you that yesterday evening that younger Winchester kissed me and now I’m freaking out because he’s not- he wants a relationship and he’s like nineteen and I don’t know if I can do that but I really want him, you know? And what the hell- I mean he’s like this sweet guy and he likes reading and he’s a total nerd and he doesn’t even like sweets! Do you get that? He always eats salads! _Salads, Cassie!”_ He flopped down in his chair, face in his hands.

“I don’t know what to do…” Castiel couldn’t suppress the smirk at his brother’s antics. For him, it all seemed rather simple.

“Your biggest concern is that he doesn’t like sweets?” Gabriel shot him a nasty glare then huffed and flailed his arms.

“No. I just- I don’t know if I…” he trailed off and looked at Castiel as if he had all the answers.

“I understand your concern, I do but you have been vying for his attention since the moment Dean introduced us to him.” Gabriel groaned beside him.

“Yeah but I just flirted with him- I didn’t think he’d…”

“That he would reciprocate?”

“Yes.”

“Well, now that he did, how do you feel about it?” He could see the blush on Gabriel’s face and instantly knew his answer.

“I- I kinda like him, you know? He’s… I dunno- he’s different.”

“Then there is no need to panic, now is there?” Castiel said consolingly. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“I hate when you’re all rational and make sense, I really hate that, Cassie.” He pointed an accusing finger at Castiel then stood up walked to the door and turned around just before leaving.

“Sorry for waking you up like that, baby bro. But it looks like Dean-o and you had some fun last night. Wanna talk about it over lunch? Promise I won’t make any virgin references.”

Before Castiel could say anything, Gabriel had winked at him and walked out.

 

* * *

 

 

He entered his room and saw a note from Dean that read: “Got a call from Dad, need to head home! x Dean.”

Instantly, his insides clenched painfully tight. An unease settled in his stomach that made him grab his phone and dial Dean’s number without hesitating. Nobody picked up for that day. Only when he stood up at nine in the morning and dialled again, did Dean pick up almost immediately.

“Hiya Cas.” Dean sounded strung out and Castiel didn’t like it at all, he had been so peaceful this morning.

“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?”

“Yeah… yeah guess I am. It’s just- Dad came home and yelled at Bobby and now I have to-“ something crashed in the near vicinity of the phone.

Castiel heard Dean curse “ _Fuck_ \- I have to go! I’ll call you! Bye, Cas!” Castiel frowned at his phone, unsure as to what to do now.

This situation didn’t sit well with him but there was nothing he could do.

 

* * *

 

 

When after two days he hadn’t heard anything from Dean, he consulted Sam. He didn’t want to come off as if he was snooping around but he was really worried.

“Sam- I really do not want to pressure you into telling me- I know your father is a delicate topic but can you tell me if Dean is alright? Please- I…”

“I know, Cas. I know, it’s just…” Sam trailed off and Castiel immediately thought he looked uncomfortable, as if there was something he wasn’t saying.

“What is it, Sam?”

He saw Sam shuffle his feet, scratch behind his ear in a manner he almost certainly had learned from Dean and then say “He told me not to tell you.”

Castiel’s world came crashing down. He dreaded the answer but couldn’t help asking “Why? Why does he not want me to know?”

Sam stared at the ground, his cheeks flushed red.

“He’s… things are difficult at the moment and he- I don’t know, Cas. I- I tried talking to him but he doesn’t wanna say anything and I think something’s really wrong, you know. But I can’t do anything about it ‘cause he won’t talk to me…”

Castiel suddenly realised that contrary to what he thought, he wasn’t alone in this.

“He has not talked to you either?”

“No. Not at all- like yeah we had dinner and all but he- you know how he gets when he doesn’t wanna talk about something- it’s like he just shut down.” Castiel hated hearing that. He always knew Dean had issues but this situation seemed to be getting worse by the minute.

“Is there anything I can do?” Castiel asked but wasn’t surprised when Sam shook his head.

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Like, he’ll be back in a week or so and then maybe talk to him? I don’t know? He seems really off this time. I mean we had fights like this with Dad before but this time he really took it hard. I wasn’t there when they blew up but Bobby told me Dad had said some really stupid things and I think Dean took them seriously. But I don’t know…” Castiel cursed silently, furious with John Winchester for once again making Dean feel miserable.

“Thank you, Sam. I appreciate you talking to me.”

“Yeah, I- Cas I know it’s hard to be with Dean and deal with all his issues but uh… maybe- if you can… don’t give up on him?” the quiet plea had Castiel’s stomach clench painfully. He didn’t have any intention on giving up on Dean but to see Sam so distraught about his brother’s fate made him want to ease every worry in his mind.

“I will not give up on your brother Sam, he means…”

He wasn’t sure what to say and settled on: “He means too much to me.” Sam’s smile was blinding and Castiel could see why his brother had fallen so quickly for the younger Winchester.

“Thanks, Cas. If he says something, I’ll let you know.”

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was out on Campus preparing for his lecture when a shadow fell on his book.

“Hi, Cas.” His head snapped up at the sound of this voice.

 _“_ _Dean!”_ He got up and threw his arm around the man, afraid to let him go again.

“How are you, Cas?” Dean asked and Castiel noticed the odd tone almost immediately.

“I am well but how are you, Dean?” When he took a closer look, he couldn’t help but think Dean’s eye seemed slightly swollen.

“What happened with your eye?” he tried to touch it but had Dean flinch away so sharply he instinctively took a step back.

“Nothing- it’s nothing.” Dean’s body language screamed “defence”.

“Why did you not call, Dean? I was worried about you.” Dean seemed to shrink further into himself at the words. Castiel bit his tongue, he hadn’t meant for it to come out as an accusation but he couldn’t take it back now.

“We were all worried.” He added almost sheepishly.

“I- I was home- I told you, Dad was there and we- we fought and I did some thinking…” he trailed off, had an unreadable look on his face that made Castiel feel incredibly uneasy.

“Just you know, about us and all that…” Castiel had thought about this moment for weeks now, about what he could say to Dean to make him see how much he meant to him, how worried he was. He had felt it for a long time now but had not been able to voice his feelings to anyone out loud. When he had talked to Sam he had been quite close to saying it but it hadn’t felt right. He wanted Dean to be the first to hear those words and not get them second handed from his brother.

So, he gathered up all his courage and said: “Dean- I need to tell you something important. Would you sit down?”

Suddenly, there was something in Dean’s demeanour that had changed. He looked ready to bolt.

“Look, Cas. There’s something I need to tell you too. Maybe tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow sounds good. I- uh I need to make a run for it right now, groceries and homework to hand in. Alright, see you tomorrow!” And then he sprinted away.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel had not slept well that night. Something in Dean’s behaviour had screamed flight instinct to him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Dean had an inkling as to what he wanted to tell him and for some reason hadn’t wanted to hear it. The thought hurt him more than it should. He didn’t know what to think about their meeting today. When Dean had returned yesterday, he had thought they could talk it out, that Dean would tell him everything that happened and that they could move on from it together. He had been prepared to tell him how he felt about him but Dean seemed to be on a completely different page. And that worried him quite a bit.

Why had Dean needed another day to talk about it?

Still, he needed to see Dean and try to find out what was going on. The unease in his stomach didn’t settle on the way to their usual meeting place. When he reached the park bench, Dean was already there. He looked at him with a lack of the usual warmth. Castiel instantly froze over. He wanted to speak up but nothing came out.

And then Dean said: “Cas we have to- I have to talk to you.”

“About what? Dean- I- you are really worrying me.”

“Yeah no, I- see this thing… it’s not working. This thing between us. I mean I tried ‘kay? But I’m just not made for that.” Castiel took in a sharp breath at the realisation of what was happening.

He still couldn’t help but ask: “Made for what?”

Dean’s answer was almost immediate, as if he had rehearsed it. “For us- this, this whole thing. I just can’t keep lying to you anymore. You deserve better.”

Castiel scoffed- what did it matter if he deserved better when all he wanted was Dean.

“Are you saying that you do not wish to be with me anymore?” It cost him almost everything he had to ask this question. It hurt so much to even consider the possibility.

“Look, Cas- I’m sorry but I just- it’s just not who I am.” Dean seemed to choke on the answer, as if he didn’t want to say it. And while Castiel knew that, it didn’t make it hurt any less. He tried to swallow it down, not make Dean see how much he was breaking inside but it felt as if his heart was being ripped into tiny pieces.

“I understand.” He sounded strangled, tried to walk away but was stopped by Dean’s vice grip on his arm.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, you and I- right? We’re still gonna be friends.” How could he? Castiel wanted to yell at him, wanted to kick and scream and curse for Dean to break his heart by asking that of him. How could he do this?  

“I am afraid that will not be possible, Dean.” he managed to croak out.            

“But-“           

“No. I am sorry, truly. But I cannot be your friend anymore.” He had to be firm about this.

Because if he was not then Dean would find a way to convince him. And he didn’t want that. But he knew that if Dean tried a little harder, that he would yield. Because Dean meant so much to him that he couldn’t bear to lose him forever and if it was only friendship that was on offer for him, he would take it if Dean asked again. But it was not what he wanted. He wasn’t even sure he could handle seeing Dean with someone else while being his friend, having him constantly around without being with him. But he would, if he let Dean ask again. And he couldn’t allow that to happen. It would destroy him.

“Why? I still like you, Cas. I just can’t be with you.” Those words felt like a stab through his heart. He pressed a hand against his chest, trying to squash down the hurt so that he would not break down. 

“That is precisely the problem, Dean. You like me…” he trailed off, unable to say anymore.

“So what, you suddenly don’t like me anymore?” Dean looked honestly hurt and Castiel had to fight the urge to tell him yes, to let him have anything he wanted without any regards to his personal feelings because he hated seeing Dean hurt.

Still, he couldn’t do it.

“Do you remember yesterday? I said there was something I would very much like to tell you?” Dean nodded and Castiel could see he was mentally preparing himself for what Castiel was about to say.

“I wanted to tell you that I love you, Dean.” Dean visibly froze, his eyes wide.

“What?” he choked on the word.

“So, you see why we cannot be friends anymore?” Dean didn’t answer just stared, Castiel smiled softly, sadness radiating in his every move.

“I am very sorry, Dean. I truly hope one day you will be ready for a relationship even if it is not with me. You deserve that.” He walked away, his heart in his stomach and tears streaming down his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Meg waited for him in his room. He flung himself on his bed, face buried in the pillow. He wasn’t even aware he was sobbing when he felt Meg reach out to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay. Clarence, I promise you it’s gonna be okay. And I’m gonna rip his face off if he comes near you again.” A laugh bubbled in his stomach and for a minute he wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying.

“He doesn’t deserve you.” Meg whispered into his hair, pulled him close.

“If you want I can go over right now and cut off his dick. That’d make you feel better?” he shook his head, new tears streaming down his face. No, he didn’t want to hurt Dean. He would never want to hurt Dean.

“Okay, want me to cry with you? ‘Cause I promise you, if you don’t stop crying now, there’s no way to say what I’ll do.” he chuckled wetly. He grabbed for her, pulled her close, needed to hold onto someone. Her warmth enveloped him like a cocoon, made him breath in freely for the first time.

“I’m gonna kill him. I don’t give a fuck if he’s the golden boy. I’m gonna kill him.” He didn’t doubt for one second that she would. But he shook his head, held her tighter.

“No- I…” he drew in a shaky breath “I do not want him killed.”

He felt Meg smile against his cheek. It helped somehow, to know that he had been responsible for a genuine smile on Meg Masters’ face.

“Whatever you say, Clarence. One word and I’ll do it.” Castiel appreciated that. He truly did. And now he needed some sleep. So, he maneuvered himself down on the bed, still in her arms and concentrated on breathing instead the ache in his heart.

 

* * *

 

 

Gabriel came by with a murderous expression on his face and a lollipop stick in his hand that he wailed around like it was a knife.

“If he so much as touches you again, I’m gonna ram that stick up his ass until he can taste it in his mouth. Fuck’s sake! Such a-“

“Silence!” Meg yelled before Gabriel could find another word for Dean that was likely not a nice one.

“It is alright, Gabriel. I do not want you to do anything to him. He is allowed to feel that way.” Castiel said, trying to convince himself of that very fact. He had to, otherwise he would break down again.

“No! No, he’s fucking not! He hurt my baby bro that is not okay!” Castiel smiled at his brother’s curses, suddenly so thankful for him like he hadn’t been in years. He got up and put his arms around his brother who was still throwing words around.

“What was that for?” Gabriel asked, slightly confused.

“For being a great brother.” Castiel murmured and watched Gabriel’s eyes widen.

If he didn’t know his brother so well, he would say there were tears pooling in these orbs of honey.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel avoided their group meetings because he knew Dean was likely to be there. The hurt didn’t seem to lessen any, not one week, not two weeks not even a month after the break-up. He had managed to distance himself from everything that had the name Winchester on it, which included Sam. Then, on a Tuesday in the laundry room, he was cornered by one tall Sam Winchester who was blocking the entrance.

“Cas- Cas please talk to me.”

“I really need to go- I-“ He wanted to reach for the door handle but was stopped by a large hand on his arm.

“Don’t. Cas, please. Just hear me out!” He made the mistake at looking up at Sam and immediately was bombarded with the puppy eyes. Castiel wasn’t the least bit surprised when he found himself seated on a bench with Sam beside him. The puppy eyes were simply undefeatable.

“Listen. I know you and-“ he stopped to look at Castiel, sensed the name still caused hurt and continued with “him are broken up. I know he completely blind-sided you with that and don’t get me wrong- he’s my brother and I love him but that was not okay. But I thought, you know- that we became friends too? And now you’re ignoring me and I thought that we kinda…” Castiel felt a swoop of guilt at the words. He hadn’t thought about it at that angle.

“Sam, I did not mean…”

“Ah- it’s okay I get it. Just, do you still wanna be friends with me? I promise I won’t talk about him.” Castiel smiled, suddenly not that uncomfortable anymore.

“Yes, I would like that very much.” he said, glad when he saw Sam’s blinding smile come out once again. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed it.

 

* * *

 

 

_Interlude_

Gabriel power walked to Dean’s room and hammered against the door so loudly a guy on the far end of the corridor stuck his head out of his own room and complained about the noise. He flipped him off, not in the least concerned with him when finally, Dean’s door opened to reveal a slightly distraught looking Winchester.

“What do you want?” Dean snarled.

“To talk, Winchester. So let me the fuck in!” He was boiling with anger and Dean sensed that immediately.

“About what?” But Gabriel was past the point of listening. He threw himself into a monologue Cassie better appreciated.

“First off, I am only not killing you because my brother asked me specifically not to. Second off, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you not have eyes in your head or is it the brain you left home? I cannot for the life of me fathom why on earth you would dump him like that! Is there something wrong with you? Did your Daddy drop you on your head as a kid one too many times?”

“Hey-“

“Shut the fuck up! You don’t get to speak! Do you have any idea how badly he’s hurting? How fucked up he is? He’s not sleeping, he’s not eating. He’s just sitting there, going to his lectures and working. But, of course, you don’t know that! Because you don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself!”

“What do you mean he’s not eating?”

“What is it that escapes your understanding? He’s not eating! It’s not that hard to understand!” For the first time, Gabriel truly looked at Dean since he had barged in.

“He’s not eating…” Dean mumbled, more to himself than to Gabriel.

“Yes, smartass. Because he loves you! And you freaking idiot dumped him after ignoring him for a week!”

Dean’s head snapped up.

“Don’t look at me like that. Unlike you, your brother actually talks to me.” He looked as if he was biting back a remark.

“So what do you want me to do now?” He better be kidding, Gabriel thought, otherwise he would kick his ass.

“I want you to explain to me what the fuck happened. Because you two were all lovey-dovey and all of a sudden you decide he’s not worth it?” Dean flinched away from him at the words which got Gabriel thinking that the issue may not be with Dean’s feelings for Castiel. If he was not sorely mistaken then they were as strong as they had always been.

“That’s not what this is about.” Dean snapped.

“Then what is it? Because you’re both miserable and if I have to listen to that stupid Zeppelin mixtape one more time I’m going to go ballistic.” Dean stared at him with something in his eyes that had Gabriel consider whacking him over the head.

“Don’t gimme that look! As if you didn’t know he’d keep it? Fuck! He’s so much in love with you, it’s painful to watch!” Dean reeled back.

“No, no he’s not!” This wasn’t happening. There was no way, Dean didn’t know Castiel’s feelings for him. I mean, come on, how oblivious do you have to be?

“Did you not listen to a word I said? Are you that thick in the head?” he was seriously getting fed up with that idiot.

“Fuck off, Gabe!” Dean shoved him. That was it. He grabbed Dean by the shoulder and bodily flung him against the wall, hearing him crash against it.

“You will listen to me, Winchester. My brother is so much in love with you that the thought of you not loving him back has him not sleeping. Don’t you fucking get it? He loves you! He fucking loves you so much and you’re hiding in your room because you’re too much of a coward to tell him you feel the same! Fuck’s sake, man up!”

He turned around to leave, then he heard Dean whisper: “I can’t.”

He was going to fuck shit up. Seriously. This was unbearable.

“Why? Why on earth can’t you do that?”

“I just can’t!” Dean yelled then shoved him out of the door and threw it shut behind him. For a moment, Gabriel considered banging against it just to annoy him but then it clicked. It wasn’t that Dean was lying to himself. Dean knew damn well how he felt about Castiel. And he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why the fuck he couldn’t just fix his own mess.

He decided then that it was time to talk to Sam.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was woken up at five in the afternoon by a loud knocking sound. He got up, angry that he had been disturbed when for once he had fallen asleep almost peacefully.

“What- Dean?” He hadn’t seen the blond in such a long time that facing him now instantly catapulted him back to that day. His heart clenched painfully and he fought the urge to slam the door.

“Yeah, Cas I- I need to talk to you.” To this day, Castiel wasn’t sure what made him step aside.

“What is it?”

“I- when I talked to you- what I said that day- I- it wasn’t what I- I don’t really think that.” Castiel simply stared, his brain running a mile per minute to comprehend what Dean had just said.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying… I guess I’m saying that I wanna try, with you- if, you know, if you still-“

“No.” he hadn’t even considered the possibility. There was no way Dean meant it. Maybe he was drunk or feeling lonely. He didn’t mean it. Castiel knew, he didn’t mean it.

“No? But I- I thought you said you loved me…” Dean sounded so small it nearly made him give in. But he couldn’t. He had to protect himself.

“I asked you, Dean. I asked if you were sure and you promised me you were. But that was a lie, was it not?” he had to know, had to hear it from Dean because he knew with his heart that Dean was not offering what he said he was.

“Yes. Yes- fuck, okay- I lied but I only did it ‘cause I wanted you so much and I needed to try. Don’t you get that? I thought I’d get there over time and-“

“But you did not ‘get there’, Dean.” The accusation echoed loudly around them.

“I did- I swear I did but-“  He could see the desperation on Dean’s face but it didn’t change anything. Dean didn’t love him. He never loved him and he didn’t want a relationship. So there was really no other answer to give but this one:

“No, Dean. Please. I do not want to discuss this anymore. I cannot listen to this again.”

Dean looked crestfallen but then the wall came down and he was unreadable again.

“’kay, guess that’s it then.” He turned around to leave.

“I didn't mean it, Cas. Really.” He pulled the handle.

“You’ll never know how much I didn't.”

When the door closed, Castiel fell to his knees sobbing.

 

* * *

 

 

_Interlude_

  
  
“The fuck is wrong with you, Dean?” Sam’s voice had him fall out of bed and hit his head on the night stand.

“The hell, Sammy?”

“What did you do to Cas last night?”

“I didn’t do anything.” he snapped when getting up.

“Yeah right. Tell that to Gabe! He says, he found Cas crying on the floor.”

 _Shit_. That hadn’t been Dean’s intention. He had meant to make things right, not ruin them even more. Fitting. He always fucked things up.

“I went over to get him back.” Sam’s eyebrows climbed up his forehead and he shot Dean a look that conveyed all too clearly how much he thought Dean had finally lost his marbles.

“You went there to get him back. And pray tell, what did you say to him?”

“That was wrong and that I wanna try again.”

“Just like that? Did you even apologise?” It occurred to him then that he in fact hadn’t. He shook his head.

“That’s what I thought.” Sam sat down beside him and said:

“Dean, you can’t keep doing this. I mean it. Cas doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.” He hadn’t had any intention to treat Cas like that, it had just somehow happened.

“Why, Dean? You were so happy with him. I’ve never seen you like that. Even Bobby-“

_“Don’t!”_

“No, I won’t stop talking just because you-“

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Sam. You weren’t there.” Dean stopped abruptly, suddenly aware of what he had just said. There was no way that Sam would let that slide.

“Wasn’t where?” Sam had that look on his face that had Dean’s stomach turn.

“When Dad came back.” he said it so quietly that even he himself didn’t fully hear it.

“Dad? This is about Dad?” He nodded, trying to block the memories from coming back.

“Dean, what happened?” And then Dean launched into a recapitulation of the events that had set everything in motion.

 

* * *

 

_Dean picked up the phone when John’s ringtone made his ears hurt._

_“Dad? What’s going on? Why’re you calling?” he sounded gruff even to his own ears. He had had such a nice morning. Last night had been heaven on earth with Cas._

_“Where are you?” his father sounded drunk and angry which was the worst combination._

_“In my dorm- Dad it’s in the middle of the semester.”_

_“Get your ass here!” Dean clenched his fists, breathing through his nose at the tone._

_“I can’t just leave-“_

_**“** _ _**Get over here!”** He knew that if he didn’t, he’d likely find the house in ruins when he came back. Sammy wasn’t supposed to be home today anyway so maybe he could get John to leave without them having another fight. He hung up and was on his way out of the door when he stopped. Cas would worry, he’d think he snuck out. So, he left a note explaining the situation as best as he could. Cas would understand._

_Even before he entered the house, he knew something was seriously wrong. The door flew open and Bobby stomped outside, a bag over his shoulder and yelled back into the house: “See ya’, Winchester. Get a fucking grip!”_

_Dean had never heard Bobby talk like that to his father._

_“Boy, get your ass outta here. He’s completely drunk. Don’t go in there.” He didn’t want to think about what John had said to make Bobby that angry._

_“I can’t, Bobby. He’s my Dad.” Bobby considered him for minute then nodded._

_“I know, kid.” He patted his shoulder in that way of his that had Dean instantly feeling protected._

_“_ _See you around.” Dean wanted to go with Bobby, wanted to have burgers and beer and hear him call him “idjit”._

_Instead, he walked inside with squared shoulders and was immediately face to face with one drunk John Winchester swinging a bottle._

_“_ _Dad, what did you say to Bobby?” Dean was already exhausted._

 _“_ _None a’ your business.”_

_“It **is** my business, Dad. Because Bobby lives here and you don’t!” He was fed up. _

_“I don’t give a fuck! This is my house. I can stay here as long as I want!” Dean huffed._

_“It’s not your house! It’s **my** house. **I** pay the rent, **I** pay for Sammy to go to college, **I** pay for groceries. Not you. So, get the fuck out of **my** house!” John was momentarily still. Then he flung the bottle at him so hard, it smashed against the wall beside his head and the shards rained down on Dean. _

_“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Dean yelled, shielding his eyes from the shards._

_John ignored him and went on with screaming: “And what’s that about you dating that boy? Haven’t you learned nothing from me? To disgrace me like that is disgusting. But you’ve always been a disappointment!”_

_The words cut deep._

_“So, what? I love him, Dad! And I don’t care what you have to say about that!” he took a moment to reconsider what he had just said but decided it was true. He really loved Cas- so much._

_“Really? And does he love you back, ha? Ever think about that?”_

_That made Dean pause. But he knew Cas. He would never-_

_“Of course you didn’t! ‘Cause he sure as hell doesn’t. Can't blame him! Putting up with you isn’t worth it!” Dean didn’t have any answer for that._

_“He loves me, Dad. I know he does. And there’s nothing you can do to change that.” He didn’t shout anymore. Doubt had slowly began to creep into his heart and gripped it tight._

_“_ _Oh really? Does he? Cause I don’t see that happening. Tell me, Dean. You really think he loves someone like you?” Dean wanted to protest but he couldn’t find the words._

_“Not so cocky anymore, are ya’ boy?” He tried to speak up, wanted to yell at his father that Cas loved him just as much._

_“No, didn’t think so. What’s there to love about you anyway, hm? You really think he’ll see past all your issues? You think he’d even want to? And I don’t blame him!” Dean didn’t say anything which seemed to enrage John even more._

**_“Answer me!”_ **

_“No,” Dean mumbled, the reality of it making him want to crawl into bed and never come out._

_“That’s what I thought.” Dean hated that, hated that with a few words his father had made him doubt everything that had happened between them. He walked out of the room without another word, fell on his bed and curled into a ball._

_The next day breakfast was a quiet affair. He managed to avoid his father as much as he could but then his phone rang loudly, playing Cas’ ringtone which had his Dad sneer. He was about to tell Cas everything that had happened, ask him to reassure him that Cas was all in with Dean when he heard something shatter. He hung up and saw his father smashing the glass frame of Mary Winchester’s photo on the wall._

_“Dad- Dad what are you doing?” He tried to grip his hand, stop him from destroying his things when John shoved him away._

_“_ _Get your damn hands off of me!” He tried again only for John to backhand him so hard, he felt his lip split._

_“You stupid idiot! This is your fault! All of this is your fault!” Dean didn’t understand what he was saying but the next words did it._

_“Even she couldn’t love you, that’s why she ran away! ‘Cause you’re not lovable, you don’t deserve that! And then you have the nerve to think that boytoy of yours loves you?”_

_Something inside his head snapped. He lunged himself at his father, tried to steer him out of the door. John’s fist connected with his eye. It swelled up immediately, hurt like a bitch._

_“Get out! **GET THE FUCK OUT!** ” He yelled, shoving and shoving until John stood by the front door. _

_“He’ll never love you! You hear me!” Dean slammed the door shut and sunk to the floor, oblivious to John’s shouts and slurs. His eye pulsated with pain but it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart at the thought of Cas not loving him back. He wanted to believe it so desperately, that Cas felt the same but somewhere deep down he knew his father was right. There was a reason Mary had left them and Dean had always considered himself to be at fault._

_And Cas- Cas who he was so madly in love with._

_But maybe John was right._

_Maybe Cas didn’t really love him back. He had never said it, never indicated. And now, Dean sat there on the floor and suddenly everything hurt. He couldn’t take that pain._

 

 

 

 


	3. ...Let me Know!

When he was done explaining, Sam looked horrified.

“So, you dumped him because you thought he’d dump you eventually?” Dean nodded, pressing a hand against his heart when the pain stabbed him again.

“Dean, you know how Dad gets. You know that he’ll say anything he can just to hurt you. Why, for God’s sake, did you believe him? You know better. You know Cas better.” Dean didn’t have an answer.

“I know you got issues with intimacy, I know that and Cas knows that too. But Dean, Cas loves you- I know he does.” There was nothing Dean could say.

“And you know that too, deep down. This isn’t about Cas- this is about you. ‘Cause you never believed anyone when they told you they loved you. But Dean, you are worth that, you deserve to be loved. And Mom didn’t run away from _you_ , she ran away from Dad and his drinking and his issues. This was never about you. You were a kid and it had nothing to do with you.” Dean felt tears drop down his face, wanted to turn away but Sam didn’t let him.

“No, hear me out! She loved you. And I love you too. You’re my brother, Dean and you deserve to be happy and be loved. And Cas loves you and he’s miserable.” He didn’t want to hear it. He had fucked up so badly and he didn’t know how to handle all of this.

“I- I don’t know how to fix this, Sammy. I think there’s something wrong with me.” he had never said that out loud, hadn’t even admitted it to himself– ever. But it was true. He really believed that he was broken somehow.

“Dean, no! You’re not- there is nothing wrong with you! I promise. You just- you need to talk to Cas- honestly this time and tell him what happened, tell him how you feel…”

“He’ll think I’m lying. He won’t believe me.”

“Yes, he will.”

But Dean didn’t hear it anymore, he had gone into his own head so far, Sam couldn’t see any way to get him out again. Just when he was about to completely throw in the towel, an idea slowly formed in his head.

“I’ll be back. I just need to talk to someone.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sam crossed the Campus quickly and marched into Gabriel’s room with determination set on his face. If Gabriel was surprised to see him, he didn’t show it.

“There was a misunderstanding.”

“You don’t say. That’s why I came to you in the first place, Samantha.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“I told you not to call me that.” Gabriel’s eyes got a dangerous glint in them.

“Oh, would you rather I call you moose? I mean you for sure are some tall glass of water!”

“Stop flirting with me, this is serious.” Sam had trouble looking at Gabriel when he smirked like that.

“Now where’s the fun in that? ‘Cause if you’ve forgotten, there’s that promise you didn’t-“

Sam interrupted before Gabriel could continue “I never- look, after this we can talk but-“

“Oh, come now Samsquatch. Don't play coy with me now. I do remember quite vividly what you propositioned that night. So, let me ask you something..." he paused dramatically. 

"You wanna get vertical with me?” He wriggled his eyebrows. Gabriel had entirely too much fun with this.

Still, Sam couldn’t help but answer “Shouldn’t it be horizontal?”

“Puh-lease. Are you some kind of amateur?” Sam felt his face flush hotly but shook it off. They had things to discuss.

“Gabe, I really need your help.”

“Alrriight- spoilsport- come on then, spit it out, Sammy.”

“Dean loves Cas.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“Duh.”

“Yeah well, I just talked to him. He thinks he’s not worth it and that Cas somehow doesn’t love him.”

“Seriously, Sam. Your brother has got to be the biggest idiot I have ever encountered. And for fuck’s sake, Balthazar is my best friend.”

Sam found himself agreeing.

“So, what do we do now? Cas doesn’t believe Dean loves him and Dean doesn’t believe Cas loves him..." That made him pause for a moment.

Sam came to the conclusion that "Okay, if you say that out loud, it sounds incredibly dumb."  

“Well, the way I see it, Dean needs to tell Cassie he’s in love with him. ‘Cause Cassie is so far in his head that he doesn’t believe it if it’s not Dean saying it.”

Sam nodded. He had had that same thought.

“But I don’t see how we’d get Dean to admit it in front of Cas when he thinks it’ll end in heartbreak for himself.” Besides the fact that Dean was apparently unable to even leave his room because he was wallowing in self-pity.

“Let me work my magic, Sammy.” Gabriel winked at him which made him chuckle.

“So, you’ll talk to Dean?”

“You’ve got that right Sammykins.”

Now he was just annoyed.

“Can you stop with the nicknames already?”

Gabriel just laughed at him and sauntered out of the room.

 

* * *

 

 

How Sam managed to convince Castiel to follow him to Dean’s room would forever be a miracle to him. But he did manage. So now, there were two sets of brothers staring at each other while two of them made a run for the door. Cas didn’t want to look at Dean but had essentially not really a choice in the matter.

“Cas- I…” Dean started but then broke off. He took a shaking breath then continued.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel whipped around, shocked at hearing Dean admit to that so easily. Never had he heard Dean apologise in those words for anything. He usually tended to make a joke and dismiss the matter so for him to actually use the word “sorry” made Castiel’s head spin.

“For what?” he couldn’t help it, he had to know.

Dean seemed pained but elaborated: “For saying that to you, for not explaining, not calling you back.”

It felt genuine and Castiel truly wished for it to be.

“See, I know you said you didn’t wanna hear it but I need you to understand that some things happened and then I- I just didn’t think it through.” Castiel had more and more a feeling that he had missed something.

“You know that my Dad came back that day and he said some things that I- that had me thinking. And I know it’s not fair to you and that I should have been honest but I can’t change that now.” Castiel gestured for him to go on.

“I started thinking about how you never said you loved me and that maybe you didn’t because why would you and it went downhill from there. Sometime in between I had convinced myself that you would hurt me in the long run, not intentionally- never intentionally- but that you’d realise you didn’t like me and that I was just wasting your time and then I thought better if I dumped you then having you dump me, you know?”

Castiel was at a loss for words.

“Dean, I do not understand. I would never hurt you. I- I told you how I felt.”

“Yeah but that was after and when I tried to get you back, you wouldn’t listen- which, I get it, okay? But I just thought that I ruined it, that you loved me and then I went and fucked it up and that now you don’t anymore. And Cas- I- you have to know- I- I love you too and-“

But he didn’t get to finish the sentence because Castiel had pressed his lips against his own so hard he nearly fell over.

“Cas- Cas _wait_ -“ Castiel didn’t want to wait. In his opinion, he had waited long enough. Now, he only wanted to feel Dean against him, hold him again and feel his heart beat under his hands. But he stopped, stared at Dean.

“Do you still- I don’t wanna sound like I’m fishing but I gotta- you gotta tell me if you still…”

Castiel shook his head in wonder. How could Dean not know?

So, to erase all doubt, he leaned in and whispered softly “Of course, I love you, Dean. I never stopped.”

Dean whimpered and crushed him with an embrace.

“I am so sorry, Cas- you don’t even know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me- I never meant to hurt you…” Castiel’s heart swelled three sizes at those words. They were genuine, he had no doubt in his mind that they were genuine.

“Dean, there is nothing wrong with you. _I promise you, there is not!_ Your father should be forbidden to ever talk to you again. And I am not mad at you. But I want you to come to me whenever something like this happens, whenever you think you do not deserve to be loved. Because you do, Dean. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. And I want you to know that, to accept that. So, promise me, please- that if the next time this happens, you come to me. Come to me immediately.” Castiel felt Dean nod against his shoulder, felt tears on his shirt and his own on his cheeks.

And then he heard Dean murmur softly into his ear: “I love you, angel.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Castiel woke the next morning in Dean’s bed and to a hand pulling him close, he felt like the world was whole again. He turned happily and pressed a soft kiss on Dean’s lips.

“Mornin’ angel. Slept well?” Castiel nodded, cuddled closer to Dean. He felt Dean’s heart beat steadily under his palm.

“Good, ‘cause I’ve got something planned today- if you’re up for it?” Castiel didn’t even need to consider. Dean told him to dress in casual clothes and to take his backpack with him.

He felt slightly insecure about the bees printed on it but Dean just laughed and said: “I think it’s adorable. You look so sweet wearing it.”

Well, that solved this problem. The Impala roared to life and they drove for an hour before Dean stopped at a parking spot in the middle of the woods.

“Do you mean to kill me?” Castiel couldn’t help but comment.

“I don’t appreciate the sarcasm.” Dean snarked back and took his hand to pull him forward. They walked through the woods for about half an hour before Dean directed them towards a clearing. A small lake shone in the sunlight, the air smelled of water and grass. Castiel instantly felt at peace.

“I used to come here with Sammy, when things got really bad.” Dean whispered into his ear then led him to sit on one of the big rocks.

“You hungry? I packed some snacks.” Snacks turned out to be three different slices of pie which Dean happily shared with him. They watched the sun set on the sky, kissed under the stars even though it got quite cold. Castiel felt Dean shiver and suggested going back.

The ride back to the Campus was strangely quiet, as if Dean was contemplating something. Just before they arrived, Castiel asked him what was wrong.

Dean surprised him by stopping the car and saying: “Are you still okay with me touching you? I know you’re not- like you don’t like being touched without an emotional connection so I don’t- I don’t wanna, you know- cross any boundaries.” Castiel fought the urge to smile.

“Dean, I told you already- I love you- there is no deeper connection than that. So, to answer your question: yes, I still like it when you touch me. I like it very much. And if you would like to indulge me, I would like to be intimate with you tonight.”

Castiel could see two things on Dean’s face quite clearly: the relief of having heard Castiel say out loud that he still wanted him and the exhaustion from restraining himself from laughing at Castiel having used the word intimate. He waited until Dean realised what exactly he had just said and saw the moment it registered.

“Wait, what? You wanna- tonight? Holy fuck!”

“That too.” Castiel answered which had Dean throwing his head back and laughing so whole-heartedly, it made Castiel’s belly swoop.

 

* * *

 

 

The walk to Dean’s dorm was quiet but not unpleasantly so. They reached the door and Dean held it open for him. The sheets smelled of citrus, something that told Castiel, Dean had changed his detergent since they had first gotten together because he knew Castiel liked the smell. it was such a small thing but it made Castiel feel so much cared for.

Dean initiated the kiss, started gently, then slowly dabbed his tongue against Castiel’s lips until he opened up. Castiel’s hands roamed over Dean’s body, touched his hot skin and still wanted more. They stripped quickly until there was nothing between them. Castiel gasped at the first feel of Dean’s cock against his own, the friction incredible and the glide smooth.

“Hey- hey uh we didn’t- we didn’t really talk about how you wanna do this. I’m- I’m good with anything so…” Castiel needed a moment to understand what Dean was talking about and he flushed bright red when it hit him.

He didn’t know what to choose.

Dean sensed his hesitation and asked: “You wanna top tonight? I don’t mind. I just think, it’d be a bit overwhelming maybe- if you bottom for your first time?” Castiel knew Dean didn’t offer light-heartedly. Dean had trust issues and to give this to Castiel without so much of a second thought made him want to grip Dean tight and never let him go.

“Which one ‘s it going to be, angel?” Dean whispered against his voice in that debauched, husky voice of his that had Castiel tremble with need.

“Top-“ he croaked out and saw Dean smile at him.

“Then get over here.” Dean scooted up until his head hit the pillow. When he spread his legs, Castiel nearly leapt out of his skin. Dean grinned.

“See something you like?” he asked, sounding cocky. Castiel leaned down and placed a kiss on Dean’s neck, lapping at the skin there and revelling in Dean’s wet gasp.

“Cas- I…” He let his hands wander downwards, grazing a nipple in the process which had Dean buck against him.

“Fuck- how do you…” he reached Dean’s cock and gave it an experimental tug. He moved his hand the way he liked doing to himself, adding a twist at the upstroke. Dean seemed to like that, rolled his hands until he was fucking Castiel’s hand. Then, he trailed even lower still, touched the soft skin behind Dean’s balls, heard him take a shuddering breath when he pressed his finger against his rim.

“Lube- Cas…” Castiel grabbed for the tube and coated his fingers in the liquid.

“Slow, angel. Ha-ave to go sl-low!” Castiel was in no rush so he took his time to just get used to the feeling of touching someone else in such a way. When he thought Dean ready, he pushed his fingertip in, all the while gauging Dean’s reaction.

“Been a while,” Dean huffed but didn’t ask him to stop. He moved his finger experimentally. After a few minutes, Dean grabbed his hand and angled it upwards against his belly-button. The second he touched a strange bump inside Dean, he was rewarded with a high-pitched moan.

“Right there, Cas- ke-keep it there. Yes!” Castiel concentrated on finding that spot again and saw Dean arch off the bed when he hit it.

“More- I need more.” He removed his finger, pressed back in with two. Dean took them well, in his opinion, while Castiel’s heart beat fast in his chest. He wasn’t really nervous but everything was so new and he didn’t want to hurt Dean and simultaneously wanted desperately to please him.

“Come on, Cas- I’m ready.” Dean snapped him out of his thoughts. He realised then that he was steadily oozing precum and that his dick was flushed red.

“You okay? Cas we don’t have-“

“I am okay, Dean. I simply do not wish to hurt you.” Dean smiled at him, radiating warmth and love with every breath he took.

“You won’t, trust me. I’m ready.” Castiel leaned forward. Dean helped him position his legs over Castiel’s shoulders. He lined up and pushed oh so slowly into Dean. Tight heat engulfed him, made him tremble with the need to move but he remained still.

“Just- g-give me a second.” Castiel kissed Dean softly, let his lips graze Dean’s earlobe and nuzzled his neck. Dean chuckled, the vibration sending waves of pleasure through Castiel.

“Okay- okay I’m good. You can move.” Castiel pulled back and moved in again, heard Dean gasp for air and immediately stopped again.

“No- no don’t stop- it’s good- _holy fuck!”_ Castiel grinned and started moving faster. He tried to angle his hips as to hit that spot that had Dean shaking on ever thrust. The heat built quickly between them. Castiel felt himself harden even more. Dean clenched deliciously around him like a vice grip. When he gripped Dean’s hips to hold him still, Dean threw his head back and keened.

“Come on, come on…” Dean sneaked a hand down, tugging frantically at his cock.

“Fuck- gonna come- so close…” Castiel growled and his next thrust was harder which had Dean writhing in the sheets.

“Cas- I…” Dean tried to say but broke off in a whimper when he suddenly tensed up and Castiel saw him shoot white stripes over his belly and hand. Dean rolled his hips against nothing, arching his back. The tightness around his own dick had Castiel shaking, he thrust in twice then felt the wave of pleasure reach its peak. He buried himself deep inside Dean, sunk his teeth in his neck to muffle his scream.

It seemed to last forever, he couldn’t stop fucking into Dean. When it finally subsided, Castiel felt content. He rolled to the side to help Dean clean up and was pulled in an embrace so tight, he struggled for air.

“You did so well, Cas.” Dean whispered into his ear. He glowed with pride.

“I love you, Dean.” Dean smiled. For the first time he looked as if he truly believed Castiel’s words. Then, he leaned in and kissed Castiel with so much emotion it nearly had his heart jump out of his chest.

Dean’s voice echoed in his mind with the same words over and over again:

“Love you too, angel.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, let me know in the comments and if you feel inclined, I would appreciate you leaving kudos. 
> 
> Also, if there is any story/prompt you would want to read from me, please feel free to let me know.


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